Why Do I Do This?

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There are these reoccurring moments in my life where I ask myself, “why do I do this?” A “This” can be many things. Sometimes “this” is writing a blog. Sometimes “this” is going to college, or pursuing my major in a vague liberal-artsy-fartsy academic field. In the darkest parts of my life, my “this” was just the struggle to keep on living my life. With all of these “this-es” I have never abandoned the “this.” At least not for good. I continue.

Why do I do this? Honestly, I don’t really know.

Do I have fun doing ‘this’? Sometimes. Other times it’s a struggle. It’s hard work, work I’m not sure anyone will appreciate. Work I’m not sure I appreciate. But even when I doubt the quality of my work, or doubt where I am, I think about how much I’ve improved. How the work I’ve already put in has not gone to waste because I’ve gotten better. It’s a lie to think that only good work is a lot of work. When you’re learning,¬†everything is a lot of work, so long as you’re actually trying.

There have been ‘this-es’ that I’ve abandoned. Sometimes I ask myself “why do I do this” and I realize that I’ve never changed or improved or cared about the ‘this.’ Sometimes it’s something that I need to do regardless, and I will keep doing it. Other times, I realize it’s just something that I think I need to do, when it really benefits nobody. I don’t feel bad abandoning these ‘this-es’ because there are other things to turn to. Things I do care about, things that do improve who I am.

Why do I write? Why do I fill notebooks with ideas and sketches nobody will see? Why do I record bad music on instruments that I’ve barely learned to play? Why do I try and teach myself Unity and Blender and Inform7? Why do I want a Media Studies major? Why do I try to get a Computer Science minor? Why do I live a life that is sometimes so lonely and so uncertain? Why do I do this? I don’t really know, but deep down I just feel that it’s something worth doing, and that’s all I really need.

-PH

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